Soften The Blows
by LisaMack
Summary: Dean's vanished from the face of the Earth... Sam's silence is beyond deafening... But Addy kept hunting like nothing had changed because she could care less about what the Winchesters do... Yeah, right... If only. Dean/OFC
1. Where Do We Go

Where Do We Go?

Another day, another dollar, or so they say. Well I guess that saying doesn't really apply to me since I make no money in my line of work. Well the odd victim of the supernatural have offered a reward out of gratitude after I had saved their lives, but generally the knowledge that you've eliminated yet another evil entity from the Earth has usually been the only reward you would hope to receive when you are a hunter. Most days you bust your ass to save lives and nobody but yourself was even aware that there had even been a danger that existed in the area.

Today though wasn't one of those days. Instead of the excitement of fighting or tracking down any bad guys, I was stuck in deep research mode. The worst part about this job was that I had no real idea what I was actually researching. Well I knew what, or rather who I wanted to find, but I still had no clue where he was or how he got there in the first place. That meant that I had to consider a hundred different options and thoroughly research each and every one until I was convinced that it wasn't actually a viable lead, which was getting beyond frustrating to say the least.

Of course all of the would have been so much easier if Sam had of actually shown up to my house to tell me more about the day that Dean and Castiel vanished from Richard Roman Enterprises. Instead the younger Winchester up and disappeared on me as well, so I had ended up having to divide my time between researching the Leviathan killing weapon and trying to locate Sam Winchester. All of the phone numbers I had for him now just rang through to full voicemail boxes and the one place that I knew of where they liked to stay was empty. I of course enlisted Toby help to track the aliases I knew Sam had used in the past, but there had been no activity under any of those names at all since Sam and I had last spoken on the phone. I hadn't anticipated on him trying to hide from me, so I had no idea how Sam what formula Sam would use to come up with new identities to live under. Also, since he had had John Winchester as a teacher I knew that if he didn't want to be found that he would become a veritable ghost and could remain off the radar. Although if Sam was actually a ghost, I probably would have had an easier time hunting him down than I was having right now.

After three months of chasing leads on classic black Impalas that steered me towards nothing but dead ends, I finally gave up on trying to find Sam. I mean he had called ME to enlist MY help and never showed up to my place, so I should have taken the hint that maybe he didn't need me anymore, but for some reason I couldn't just leave things with him like that. Believe me, the lunacy of me chasing a person that I had avoided for months and then regretted offering him a place to stay when he had finally contacted me wasn't lost on me at all. So maybe I was being indecisive and wishy-washy, what else was new when it came to me dealing with the Winchesters?

Even though I pretty much had given up on finding Sam (because if he really needed to get a hold of me, he knew where to find me even if I wasn't at home) I still had Toby trying to do his magic to find any trace of him. With Sam theoretically off my mind, I was then able to focus my energies on unraveling the enigma of the missing hunter and angel. This is why I now found myself at the cabin the brothers had been using (partially hoping Sam would show back up here at some point) and woke up on the couch with opened books littering the floor and the couch around my legs.

When I first woke up I figured that it was just because I had gotten a proper night's sleep, but I quickly realized that that couldn't be it because it was still dark outside. Then a quick check of the time on my phone told me that it was just after midnight. Since my last check of the time before falling asleep had been at eleven at night, I knew I had only had a short nap so I figured something else must have disturbed my slumber.

I had become quite familiar with the 'normal' noises of the cabin settling at night because I had made it my new home-base for the last couple of months, so I stayed still in my spot to see if that was what had inadvertently awoken me. Just as I had suspected, that of course wasn't the case. It would have been too easy on me for the strange noise to be the cabin naturally settling under the chill of the evening because that way I could have just rolled over and fallen back to sleep so that I would be more alert in the morning for my next round of researching. No, instead I heard the undeniable scraping sound of someone trying to pick the lock on the front door. Since whomever it was that was making the noise was attempting to enter somewhat quietly in through the main entrance, I figured that they had to be human. In my mind I reasoned that any demon powerful enough to get through the wards that I had put in place along with the ones I had found here already would have been strong enough to break down the door instead of resorting to picking the lock.

But what kind human was it that was coming through my door? Friend? Foe? Or someone else? For all I knew it could have simply been a lost hunter that was wanting to borrow this shelter for the night. I knew it was common for hunters of any flavor (civilian or supernatural) to use cabins of people they didn't know if their hunt ran longer than they had anticipated or if they had somehow gotten so disoriented that they ran out of supplies and needed to call for help, but I still took precautions to hopefully conceal my presence so that I could keep my upper hand just in case that wasn't what was happening right now.

I rolled off the couch as quietly as I could to make sure that no one could see me from the window behind me in case the intruder wasn't alone. They were still struggling with the lock so I crawled over to the door and tried to keep myself as low to the floor as I could get and then I set up camp, crouched beside the door. My eyes darted to the windows that were now visible and they thankfully showed nothing but the black night outside in the forest.

As I refocused my attention on the now opening door, I realized that I was completely unarmed. I let my attention stray briefly to the coffee table where my beautiful, trusty Colt 1911 45mm still lay by a discarded book. It did me absolutely no good there right now, but then again me staring at it while an unknown person broke into the cabin wasn't exactly doing me much good either. So now what should I do? I had no weapon to intimidate them, so subduing them until I found out what their intentions were seemed like the best course of action for me to take.

Forgetting that the person stepping through the door might not be alone, I jumped up on my feet and grabbed the backpack they had slung over their right shoulder and used it to throw them to the floor. He let out a surprised grunt as he hit the floor face down and I took advantage of his startled state to pin his left hand to the floor. Since his right hand was tangled in the strap of his backpack, I didn't worry about controlling it at all while I moved to sit on the small of his back.

"…the fuck…?" I heard him mumble into the floor while I got into position.

I pulled his left hand behind his back and notice a bulge that I was going to sit down on at the small of his back. Smiling triumphantly because something was finally going my way, I pulled the gun out of his waist band and awkwardly pressed it into his back in a left handed grip.

Before I could reply to his exclamation I heard him say, "Look Buddy… I don't know who you are, but if you just leave now I'll forget this ever happened… No harm, no foul."

I scoffed loudly and pressed the barrel of the gun harder into his flesh sarcastically saying, "No harm, no foul? Are you fucking kidding me? You break into my place and then you say you won't hurt me if **I** just leave? Wow… You have a pair of brass ones on you Buddy… Now here's what's really going to happen. You are going to roll over… Very slowly onto your back and if you're a good little boy maybe **I** won't harm YOU."

I had to ease off his back a bit so that he could move. He started to try to untangle his right hand from the strap of the backpack when a thought jumped into my mind. I halted his motion by jamming the gun into the base of his skull, cautioning him, "Make sure you keep that right hand of yours visible… Wouldn't want you to do something silly like pull out another weapon or anything."

He may have scoffed or otherwise retorted to my warning, but with his face pressed into the hardwood floor it was hard to hear anything that he might be trying to say. I kept the gun flush with the back of his head, but maintained an attentive eye on the hand he was working to free. Once he had accomplished that goal, he shoved the bag away to prove that his hand was still empty and that he wasn't going to try to pull one out of the bag. I then stood up, maintaining a two handed grip on the pistol with my legs a shoulder width apart while he slowly rolled onto his back.

When his face was revealed, I had to force myself not to react which caused him to smirk at me in return. He kept his hands by his head with his palms facing me as he chuckled and said, "Shit… Lay, I didn't recognize your voice."

It moved to sit up but I kicked out its left hand that it was using to balance itself then said, "I didn't tell you that you could move." It glared up at me from where it was once again laying down on the ground but it didn't try to move again. I'm sure the throbbing in its head was surviving as a nice reminder about who it was that had the upper-hand right now. "Okay, so I'm thinking that you can change into another face and then you and I can have a nice little chat about why you decided to disturb my sleep by breaking into my cabin tonight."

It considered my offer with a scowl on its face and then it laughed at me. The full throated chuckle issuing from him grated against my nerves and it took all of my will power not to pull the trigger right then and there. Sure it was unlikely that a shape shifter would be carrying a firearm loaded with silver bullets (hell my own Colt was housing lead rounds right now) but no matter what metal the bullet was made of, I knew it would hurt the smug bastard even if they wouldn't kill him, which would suit me just fine.

The expression on my face turned colder by the second which caused its face to drop as well. It started to actually look somewhat concerned, but not quite afraid of me as it said, "Lay I… I'm not a shifter."

"Well you sure as shit aren't a demon because I put those wards down myself… So…? What are you then?"

"Lay…" It replied with a soft smile. "Lay I swear, I'm… I'm me."

"Nope… Wrong answer… Try again," I countered while cocking the hammer back with my thumbs.

"Whoa… WHOA… Hey let's not do anything rash… I can prove to you that I'm human," it protested waving its hands back and forth frantically over its face. "Okay why don't you put my gun down so that you can pull out that nifty knife of yours that I know you must have on you somewhere? Like…? Maybe on your left wrist?"

_My knife? Shit! How could I have forgotten it?_ I thought to myself as an unconscious blush spread across my cheeks. I then eased the hammer back into place as I responded, "Fine… Yeah that sounds reasonable enough." As I started to reach over its body to place the gun beside mine on the coffee table, I paused with my chest over its face to look down at it adding, "Don't even think of trying to move… Mine has silver bullets and that'll kill you even if you aren't a shifter." Okay so that last part was a lie, but if he believed it then maybe he would behave.

It pressed the backs of its hands to the floor as if to say 'Not going anywhere' and I completed my movement to place the pistol on the table. Once I was standing up again I stared down at it to analyze its face for moment. It looked vaguely amused which didn't seem completely out of place for Dean Winchester, but then again I had to keep in mind that any creature that could mold itself to look like someone also seemed to be able to download their memories as well so the fact that it could mimic his facial expression told me nothing of value.

Its face didn't change, although it seemed to take some effort on its part, as I bent over to lift my right pant leg.

"Your right boot?" It questioned with a surprised laugh. "Really?"

My jaw clenched as I answered through gritted teeth, "Not that I owe you any sort of explanation, but it only seemed right since I'm using his knife sheath."

"Oh?" It nearly gasped quietly in disbelief as its eyebrows raised in surprise. "Umm… Can I make one small request?"

Although I had the knife out of my boot, I was still bet at the waist as I turned my eyes to look at its face. It seemed to take that movement as an affirmative response because it then asked, "Could I maybe sit up while we do the rest of this? The floor is kind of uncomfortable."

"Oh…" I replied feeling slightly embarrassed. "Uh… Yeah… Sure… Why not? Just… Umm… Don't move too fast."

Its amused grin widened at my flustered state as it slowly eased itself into a sitting position. Once it was comfortable by resting on its hands that were on the floor behind its back, it raised a suggestive eyebrow and I felt my heart skip a beat. Then I noticed where I was standing. I was still standing over its legs and my blush started to darken when I realized that if it had remained sitting straight up, its face would have been precariously close to a very intimate part of my body.

"Shit…" I mumbled as I tripped over its legs to stand by one of its sides.

In my haste to move into a less compromising position, I tripped and nearly fell into the coffee table, but it grabbed my arm to help to steady me. "Hey easy there," it teased as it dropped its hand away from my arm.

I smiled uneasily and just nodded my head slightly to show my appreciation. Its amused smirk faltered slightly at my continued nervousness and it nearly raised a hand to comfort me, but something on my face caused it to stop and drop its hand back to its lap. I then raised a shaking hand towards it to give it the knife that it had requested hilt first.

It stood slowly and raised its right hand to claim the hilt but it didn't move to pull the knife away from my hand until it had steadied my now shaking hand with its other hand. It tried to make painfully direct eye contact with me so I made sure to divert my eyes to our hands to watch the blade leave my grasp. After it had claimed the knife, it let its left hand linger on my right hand for a moment. I tried to keep my breathing even, but my heart was racing so badly with the anticipation of finding out the truth that I was having a hard time maintaining my composure.

"We're only testing my humanity… I didn't want you cutting yourself unnecessarily," it explained in a soft, almost concerned tone.

I nodded with my eyes still on its hands before I forced myself to raise my gaze to its face. I let out a stuttering breath that was dangerously close to sounding like a sob to which it quirked a questioning eyebrow.

"Not a demon," I whispered jutting my chin towards its fingers that were now tightly wrapped around the iron hilt of my knife.

It looked down to where my eyes were looking and let out an uncomfortable chuckle repeating, "Not a demon."

The sleeves of its flannel shirt were already rolled up past its elbows so it extended its left arm out and away from its body and then it started to press the edge of the knife close to its left elbow. Suddenly my right hand shot out to stop it from cutting itself there and then it moved its confused eyes to look at my face without trying to fight my hold on its right hand.

As it opened its mouth to speak, I said in a soft, serene voice, "The blade just had to touch your blood, so you don't have to risk slicing an artery or anything." I wasn't sure if trying to use the same joke Dean had used with me would work or not, but for some reason I couldn't stop myself. It remained silent with a confused look on its face, so I moved the knife towards its left hand explaining, "If you slice yourself here I can fix it with just a Band-Aid… And it will hurt less while still doing the trick."

The corners of its lips twitched in a half smile and it only gave a soft nod in answer to my proposal before we both turned our attention to the knife's blade. It was quick and efficient with its strike against the pad of its left middle finger. Just as I had hoped, there was no reaction between the silver of the blade and his blood. To emphasis his humanity to me, he squeezed the sides of his fingers until a bubble of red blood oozed out of the cut and drizzled down the length of his finger.

"Dean?" I questioned through tears that had started spilling down my cheeks without my noticing that I had gotten that emotional.

He smiled at me because of my awed tone around his finger that he had in his mouth. I couldn't help but laugh at how innocent and child-like the gesture in order for him to alleviate some of the pain in his finger. He kept the bleeding digit between his lips and frowned slightly as he reached out a hand and brushed some of the tears from my left cheek and chin.

"How?" I blurted out before he could voice any of his thoughts. "Where…? How…? When…?" I choked slightly after each word and found that I wasn't actually able to complete any of my racing thoughts out loud.

Dean smiled again, this time without his injured finger in his mouth. The look on his face told me he thought that it was oh so terribly cute that he could get me that flustered and that easily, so I instinctively felt like I couldn't allow him to keep this upper-hand. He raised his uninjured hand to my cheek once again and then ran it towards the back of my head. Once he had my head cradled in his hand, he opened his mouth to speak, but before a word could spill from his lips, I lunged forward and silenced him with a mildly painful kiss.

I felt Dean's hand convulse around my hair a second before he returned my kiss with almost the same amount of enthusiasm. The fingers of his right hand combed through my hair before his hand came to rest on the side of my neck. The ferocity of our embraces lessened slightly but we both maintained some level of intensity that Dean tried to capitalize on by pulling me closer to his body, but I flinched violently away from him and then I stepped back and away while hissing out a breath.

"L-lay?" He questioned through a worried stutter.

I avoided making eye contact as I raised my right hand to show him my fresh cut and attempted to joke my way out of this uncomfortable situation saying, "I thought we were only testing your humanity."

Apparently sarcasm doesn't clearly come through when your voice is thick with tears because I noticed that the color instantly drained form Dean's face. With a wide-eyed terrified look in his eye, Dean grabbed my hand a little too roughly in his hast to further inspect the damage that he had inadvertently inflicted on me.

"Shit… Lay… You HAVE to believe me… I did NOT mean for this to happen. I really didn't…" He replied before kissing the back of my hand over the cut.

I just stared at the spot of my blood on his bottom lip for a breath but for some reason I didn't try to remove my hand from his grasp or to say anything to him at all. Dean then tugged my hand to lead me to a chair at the kitchen table where he forced me to take a seat without saying another word.

As he turned his back on me, I finally called out in a dazed state, "Dean?" When he turned back around to face me, my clarity started to finally return. "My first-aid kit is right over here."

He nodded a little too quickly before sprinting over to it. I kept my hand wrapped in the bottom of my shirt while I watched him, but I refrained from speaking. I hadn't expected him to get so panic-stricken about an innocent accident, so I was hoping that there was something else that was going in the back of his mind.

Dean sat down on a chair to my right and I had to swivel around in my seat so that I didn't have my back facing him. He had a few supplies already laid out on the table. I held in a sigh when I noticed that some of the items he had taken out of the kit had small smears of blood on it because he had completely forgotten about his own injury when he had seen the damage he had done to me.

He flinched as if I had burned him when I reached for his hand prompting me to quietly say, "You're still bleeding, so why don't we fix you up first?"

I kept my eyes on his left hand until Dean's eyes moved to look at it too. He mumbled something to himself and then he opened an alcohol swab to clean off some of the excess blood from his hand. While he was doing that I tried to open a Band-Aid with my one good hand but Dean as quick to pluck it from my hand.

"I've got this Lay, you just focus on keeping pressure on that cut, okay?" I nodded and wrapped the bottom of my shirt tightly around my hand once again. Since I hadn't replied verbally, Dean worried that I hadn't complied with his direction and anxiously said, "Lay, look… Oh… Okay, good… Good… I'm almost done here."

Once his cut was covered, Dean gently extracted my hand from under my shirt and placed it on a rag on the table. The cut wasn't really all that long, but the tip of the knife had penetrated quite deeply so the blood continued to flow freely. Instead of using an alcohol swab on it like he had on himself, Dean poured a generous amount of hydrogen peroxide over my hand. I hissed again at the contact of the clear liquid and squirmed slight as it bubbled up rapidly over the wound.

"Does that hurt?" Dean questioned with a faint chuckle.

I shook my head replying, "No… Well no more than it usually does, but it catches me off guard every single time. It's fine… Honest."

"Sorry," he apologized quietly while he got to work threading a needle to stitch my hand. I thought that that might be a little extreme for the minor cut, but if he was willing to take the time, I was more than happy to let him take special care of me. "I'll try to make this quick."

"Okay," I whispered. He kept his gaze on the task at hand so I swallowed some of my shyness to more clearly state, "You could help me keep my mind off the pain by talking to me." Dean flinched again before his whole body slumped over slightly. He looked so dejected that I nearly started crying again, but I suppressed my tears and turned his face by his chin to face me so that I could softly ask, "Why don't you tell me about what really happened with Dick Roman? And… Umm… And about where you were hiding for the last year?"

Dean let out a genuine, yet sardonic laugh before replying, "Well the holy bone covered in blood worked like a charm… Ding dong the Dick is dead…"

By this point he had finished stitching my hand and was gently placing a bandage on top of his handiwork to protect it from the elements. I figured that once he was finished tending to my wound that he would continue answering my questions, but he instead turned his attention to cleaning up the supplies he had strewn across the table top.

I opened my mouth to ask him to please finish his thought and to tell me everything that had happened when a horrific thought struck me mute. What if Sam hadn't made it to my house because he didn't need my help finding his brother anymore? Had I spent the past year trying to find someone who wasn't actually lost? Had I just spent a year chasing after a man that I had vowed was no longer an integral player in my life to have him evade me without even trying? Or had he worked at keeping me from finding him and now he was just humoring me?

I could feel my heart rate and breathing starting to match the rapid speed of my thoughts so I turned away from Dean before I stated to hyperventilate. My head started out being held in my hands but all that did was turn my quick, shallow intakes of breath into hiccups that were threatening to become choking sobs. How could I have been so dumb when I had tried so hard to be so guarded when it came to matters of the heart, especially when it came to Dean Winchester?

I was still gasping in my breaths uncomfortably fast when I lifted my head to look into his face and answer him. Somewhat to my surprise I was met with the same terrified look in a pair of green eyes that I had been met with whenever Toby tried to comfort me during a breakdown. The look appeared to be so sincere that I cocked my head to one side while I tried to scrutinize it more in depth to find out if my initial suspicions had been true or not.

My hiccups started to settle under the weight of my uncertainty which made moving and speaking that much easier. Dean was now kneeling in front of me so I raised my right hand to touch the side of his face as I hoarsely asked, "Where…? Where have you been…? All year?" His left covered mine on his face in an almost automatic fashion and his eyes darted away to stare at a spot on the floor. My left hand glued itself to his right cheek to move his head in the hopes to reestablish eye contact as I tearfully asked, "Please Dean? I… I promise that I won't get mad, but I just… We've been… Please I just really need to know… I've been… We've been… Please?"

There must have been something in my voice that showed my utter desperation because Dean's eyes quickly found mine again. He held both of my hands against his cheeks and then he closed his eyes and whispered, "Purgatory."

His hands squeezed my fingers but his eyes remained closed as I stared at him blankly and said the only thing that came to mind, "What?"

Dean's eyes opened almost reluctantly slow. Normally I would have tried to school my face so that I could hide how I was truly feeling until I could use it to my advantage, but right now I just let my thoughts and feelings show nakedly on my face. Dean and I were stubborn enough that this back and forth could have gone on forever, but I really needed answers right now. After a year of searching and just a couple of minutes of fearing the worst, I desperately needed to know the truth. No matter how hurtful or ugly it might be in the end I just wanted to know what actually happened so that I could put this all behind me, if that's what I was needing to do.

Dean raised a bent finger to my cheek to capture a tear. We both watched it drip from Dean's for-finger to the floor as he repeated, "Purgatory… When I stabbed Dick in the neck, I somehow ended up in Purgatory."

I stared at him for a breath and then whispered, "Holy shit." Dean immediately gave me a knowing smile and before he could make any of his patented smug replies, I more calmly asked, "What about Cas? He's been missing ever since then too… Did…? Did you see him there?"

Dean nodded with his eyes squeezed closed. I expected that that would be his only response but much to my surprise he swallowed thickly and said, "Yeah."

After that painful answer I sighed then moved to pull him into a hug. I had no idea what Purgatory could have been like but whatever I could have come up with was most likely less painful than anything that he had had to live through this go around. Although I wanted to probe deeper into what Dean had seen or the truth behind his answer, for some reason right now all I felt like I should be doing was to hold him to try to give him comfort. As such my hands started to run up and down his back of their own accord and I remained silent as tears started to fall from my eyes again.

Dean had raised himself higher up on his knees when I had initially tried to hug him so that it would be easier for me to embrace him, but his arms remained relatively limp around my waist. I turned my face to his neck and placed a strong kiss against it causing him to jump slightly in my arms.

"Shit," I cursed under my breath as I had his face in my hands. Dean gave me a questioning look to which I coughed out a laugh before replying with an easier, more natural tease, "Hell… Then Heaven and now Purgatory? Damn Winchester what haven't you conquered?"

A sob escaped my lips at the end of my question causing Dean's face to crumble into a frown as he said, "Lay… I… I've…"

I reclaimed his lips with mine to silence his reply because that wasn't what I needed to hear from him right now. "Shh…" I said instead. "All that matters is that you're here. The rest can wait, okay?"

"Okay," Dean agreed before surging up on his knees to kiss me deeply. While we continued to try to dominate the embrace, Dean gripped the hem of my shirt and he tried to guide it off of my torso. When I halted his action Dean moved his lips to my ear and whispered, "If we don't soak this soon then the blood will set in as a nasty stain."

"Oh," I sight dejectedly while thinking how silly it was for me to take such a practical movement so suggestively. I pushed my chair back as far as I could get it in this confined space so that I could stand up and away from Dean. "You're right; I should soak my shirt in cold water A.S.A.P. Thanks… Uhh… Thanks for reminding me… I should…"

Dean stepped forward and crowded my personal space with a comfortable ease. He then ran his hands under my shirt along the skin of my abdomen until he cupped one of my bra covered breasts causing me to gasp as he leaned in and whispered, "I would be more than happy to help you out of these bloody clothes."

"Please…" I nearly sobbed out as a plea giving into Dean's double entendre.

The instant that he heard my reply, Dean kissed me again with an amorous ferocity. When he felt me try to keep my lips and tongue moving at the same speed as his own, Dean's hands move to my thighs to pick me up off of the ground. I took the hint quickly and wrapped my legs around his waist so that he could carry me while we both managed not to interrupt the passionate kiss that he had initiated.

When Dean's knees hit the side of the bed, he finally relinquished his claim on my mouth in order to let my body fall back onto the mattress. I let out a surprised yet aroused chuckled at being thrown down onto the bed but made no attempts to move without Dean's directing me to do so. He in turn let out a breathy laugh and just stared down at me as he shed his outer flannel shirt and let it fall to the floor.

I laid there on the bed practically panting in anticipation while I watched Dean undress his top half. When he reached for his belt he stopped and quirked an eyebrow in my direction, as if to ask me when I was going to join the program and start removing my clothes. Although I was enjoying watching Dean strip for me, I quickly threw my shirt to the floor and my bra rapidly followed it. I don't actually remember how I got out of my jeans as speedily as I did, but the next thing that I knew I had a fully naked Dean Winchester laying on top of me as he kissed up my naked chest to my neck and right cheek.

My hands moved to Dean's hair so that I could massage his scalp as I answered through bated breath, "Tried my best to find you… Too many places to look… Missed you so…"

Dean reclaimed my lips in a couple of bruising kisses and then said, "We can talk later, right now…"

"Make love to me Dean," I interrupted with a new onslaught of tears spilling down my cheeks.

He kissed each of my moist cheeks before he replied, "My thoughts exactly."

I woke up to the sun shining on my face and someone behind me shaking my shoulder gently. I was a bit disoriented at first but when I felt that I wasn't alone on the bed I flipped over quickly to see who it was. Dean gave me an uneasy smile and I couldn't help but chuckle softly at the tousled look of his hair. Even though he kept it quite short it always amazed me how he could still get the worst bed-head I had ever seen on a man. I then unconsciously moved a hand towards my hair wondering how bad my own mane must have looked after our activities the night before. But that thought soon got chased away by the overwhelming sense of relief that filled my heart at seeing Dean in the flesh. Last night wasn't a dream even though the ecstasy I had felt under Dean's embraces and caresses had felt completely unreal.

I leaned up to give Dean a good morning kiss, but was halted by him passing me my cell phone. I had to set up to more easily claim my phone and I was made completely oblivious of my nakedness by the somewhat guilty look on Dean's face.

"Sorry," he whispered with his hand over the microphone on the cell. "I thought it was mine."

I blushed unconsciously because I knew why he had made such a mistake. It was silly but I had set my ring tone to the same one he had used in a strange fit of nostalgia while I was researching one day. I slowly placed my hand over his to take my phone and the instant he could tell that I had a hold of it he recoiled away from me.

As I moved my phone up to my ear I gave Dean a questioning look but he didn't notice it because he was moving off of the bed in search of his underwear. I almost called out to him but stopped when I heard, _"I'm SO sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you when you're… Seriously Addy I didn't mean to interrupt!"_

While I listened to the apology I watched Dean as he snatched up his boxer-briefs off of the floor almost angrily. He was shaking his head and mumbling to himself as he moved. I couldn't quite make out everything that he was saying but I did catch the odd 'so stupid' and 'of course she moved on'. I then looked at my phone and barked out a quick laugh when I realized what must have happened.

"Shit," I sighed out mostly to myself. "I guess that it has been a while… Hey can you hold on a second?"

"_Sure?"_ The voice on the phone answered sounding unsure.

After covering the microphone on my Blackberry Bold, I called out in a hushed yell, "Dean! Dean! Come back here… Please?" He gave me a wounded look of uncertainty, so I leaned up against the headboard and patted the empty spot beside me quietly pleading, "Pretty please?"

He took but a second to silently contemplate his options. He then dropped his boxers where he found them and then he slipped back under the covers still completely nude. I leaned over to peck his cheek to show him my appreciation at his showing that he still had some trust in me. He still looked weary but there was the slightest glimmer of hope in his eyes so I continued with my plan with the utmost confidence that it was right.

After switching on my phone's speaker phone option, I laughed once again then said, "I can't believe that it's been so long that this could become so awkward between the three of us."

"_What?"_ "What?" They both said at the same time.

"Buddy," I answered with a chuckle. ""Why don't you say a proper 'hello' to Dean?"

"_WHAT?!"_ Toby exclaimed excitedly. _"Seriously? That was really Dean?!"_

Dean actually let out a beautifully masculine laugh and then he answered, "Yeah Little Man it's really me… Although by the sound of your voice I'm thinking you aren't so little anymore."

"_No,"_ Toby replied sounding somewhat embarrassed. _"Addy says the same thing too all of the time… Well at least she started to once she had to look up at me to look me in the eye."_

He and Dean shared a laugh at my expense and I almost admonished them but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to do it. Dean had a genuinely happy smile on his face and I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that. Even if I was going to be the butt of their jokes like I had been in the past, I could live with it if they both sounded this content.

"_But how…? Where…? We tried everything we could think of and still couldn't find you…"_

Dean looked over at me and grinned fondly because Toby sounded so much like I had right now. His eyes lingered momentarily on my chest which caused me to become acutely aware of my nakedness. It was ridiculous and silly but for some reason it felt wrong for me to have a conversation with anyone (except for Dean), even on the phone, unless I was fully clothed. Dean knew that and when he saw my blush spread from my cheeks to my chest, he gave me a sympathetic smile and a comforting squeeze on my thigh through the blankets on the bed.

"Well Toby it's kind of a long story… And I'm kind of beat from having to hike here to the cabin… Would it be okay if I told you all about it later?"

"_Oh! Right! I woke you guys up!"_ Toby answered with an amused edge to his voice. _"Right… Yeah of course your story can wait for another time… But Addy…?"_

Dean looked at me expectantly and when I didn't reply he squeezed my thigh once again.

"What…? Oh… Me! Right… Right. What's up Toby?" I finally asked through my daze.

He chuckled softly then answered, _"I know it's really early there but I have something really important to tell YOU."_

Toby's emphasis on the word 'you' was kind of strange, but I just shot Dean an apologetic look as I took my phone off speaker phone. As I raised my phone to my ear, I twisted at the waist so that my back was facing him to further ensure our privacy.

"Okay Tobs it's just you and me, so what's up?" I gasped in a breath when he told me his news. "You're sure? Really…? Alright that's great… Thanks for letting me know… Love you too and I promise I'll call you later today."

After I had ended my call I placed my phone on the table beside my side of the bed. When I turned back to look at Dean he simply asked, "So?"

"So…" I started as I moved to sit on his lap. "I fell asleep naked for the night… I NEVER do that."

He moved his head slowly from side to side to mirror my head's motion saying, "No you never do that."

I ran my hands up his chest and then leaned in closely to say against his ear, "Like Toby said, it's still really early so we should try to get some more sleep… But I might need some help since I'm not feeling particularly sleepy right now and I've never like sleeping naked with anyone…"

Dean maneuvered himself under the blankets so that he could reconnect our bodies as he whispered, "I think I can help you with that."

He then thrust his hips up with so much force that I had to grip the headboard tightly to keep myself from being unseated from his lap inadvertently. At first I let him do most of the work because I was still so amazed that Dean was here, in my arms, in my bed making love to me like only he could. He nipped me playfully on the skin of my chest between my breasts to bring me out of my haze and then I started to move in a complimentary motion with an excited sense of purpose.

I screamed my pleasure, thankful that the nearest cabin or signs of life were miles away from where we were right now. Dean started to laugh but it quickly turned into an excited grunt against the flesh of my chest. In his overly aroused state Dean bit the inside of my left breast hard enough to cause me to cry out once again. When we both started to come down from our highs, he licked his bite to ease some of the sting. I then slumped in his lap to kiss his lips before we both laid back down on the bed.

Dean pressed his chest against my back as we got comfortable on our sides and quietly asked against my ear, "What did Toby have to tell you that was so top secret?"

I wriggled back against him and sighed contentedly which he thought was going to be my only response since I seemed to be in such a blissed out daze. He squeezed his arms tightly around me before he relaxed against my back to try to fall asleep but he didn't say anything else that he desperately wanted to get out right now.

Our breathing evened out and easily fell into synch but before either of us drifted off to sleep, I whispered, "He finally found Sam."

**A/N:**

_**So I can't get Addy out of my head and here's where her story with Dean and Toby took me. Unfortunately I think I'll be slow to update this story but it's still there in the back of my mind and for some reason I can't stop. Hope you enjoy!**_


	2. We Bury The Embers That Glow

When We Bury The Embers That Glow:

_**I woke up to the sun still shining brightly on my face and correctly assumed that that meant that I had only been asleep for a little while sine my last round of love making with Dean. Since I had nowhere pressing to be because our missing person had finally be found, I opted to just roll over and cuddle up against the warm body behind me to get some more sleep. The only problem with that course of action was that when I had moved over onto my other side I found the bed completely empty and there was nobody to cuddle with for a longer night's, well early morning sleep.**_

_**In fact, not only was the bed empty except for me, the mattress actually felt cold as well. Dean had been here with me during the night, hadn't he? I mean the bed's sheets looked too messed up for just one person to have been sleeping in it all night, so Dean HAD been here to do a few 'extracurricular' activities with me, right? I mean that's what made the most sense, didn't it? Especially since it was true… Right? Or had I been deluding myself into believing that a beautifully vivid dream was actually reality and had in fact spent the night alone tossing and turning fitfully?**_

_**I flopped dejectedly onto my stomach and buried my nose into the pillow on the other half of the bed. If I hadn't known any better I could have sworn that the pillow smelled faintly like Dean's scent. And I didn't mean his cologne. After having shared a bed with him for nearly a year at my house, I had become very familiar with the scent of Dean's natural musk, his essence, and I was more than certain that that was the odor that was assailing my sense of smell right now. But then again Dean and Sam had been using this cabin as a home-base for longer than I had been, so maybe it could have just been a residual scent that was clinging to the linens still to this day after his using them without me being here. I guess that could have been a logical explanation as well.**_

_**A quiet sob escaped my lips as I clung to the pillow and considered all of my possible options for the scents and feelings I was experiencing right now. The worst part about everything was that I was actually questioning what was real and what was just a realistic illusion that I was hoping and praying to be my truth. In a lot of ways I was reminded of the time I had spent with Raphael after he had pulled me out of Hell, but back then everything I had believed to be a dream or illusion had actually turned out to be real, so maybe now it wasn't completely absurd for me to believe that what had happened could have actually happened. Yes, that was definitely wishful thinking so I just slumped further into the mattress and pressed my face harder into the pillow willing myself not to cry and just to fall back asleep so that I would have to think about this anymore. Barring that melting into the mattress so that I didn't have to confront the new day would have been an acceptable alternative.**_

_**Just as I resigned myself to the fact that my memories from the night slash morning hadn't been real I heard someone clear their throat loudly from somewhere near the door to the hallway behind me. I turned the upper half of my body so quickly around in the bed that he sheet fell away to reveal my still naked torso as it pooled at my waist. Naked? How had I not noticed that I was still completely nude in the bed? That fact alone should have tipped me off to the fact that my time spent with Dean hadn't only been in my imagination because there was no way on God's green Earth that I would have fallen asleep in my 'birthday suit' if I had of been alone, no matter how upset or drunk I might have gotten. Not that I recalled indulging in one of my favorite vices the night before at all.**_

"_**Dean?" I questioned almost automatically in a daze.**_

_**He gave me an uneasy smile as he replied, "Yeah Lay… I'm still me." He paused there and jutted his chin in the direction of the foot of the bed and quietly announced, "I couldn't find your bag so I put one of my shirts and a pair of boxers there for you to borrow until you find something more… To your liking" he finished somewhat awkwardly.**_

_**I smile gratefully as I snatched up both articles of clothing. Even though Dean had seen me naked more times than either of us could count, hell he already gotten more than a full and generous viewing of me today to boot, I didn't stand up off of the bed to get dressed. Instead I opted to slip the flannel shirt on and once it was buttoned up enough for me not to be flashing him my breasts, I pull his boxers on under the blankets.**_

_**While I dressed, Dean moved slowly to the foot of the bed opposite to where I was now seated. I frowned slightly when I noticed that he was as far away from me as he could be while still remaining on the bed, but I refrained from commenting on that aloud because I couldn't read the expression on Dean's face so I had no clue how he might take a comment like that right now. If only I could predict his motives right now I would maybe feel less uneasy about what I could and couldn't say to him.**_

_**He watched me as I rolled the sleeves of his shirt up my arms passed my elbows because I didn't know what else to do to avoid speaking first because I really didn't know what to say. Dean looked like he had something on his mind as he watched me, so I hoped that if I stayed silent that he would fill the empty air with his thoughts or anything else he might offer to say to avoid too may silent moments between us. **_

"_**So…" He started slowly as he picked at a random thread on the comforter to avoid making eye contact. "Last time I saw you… We… I mean you weren't… You didn't seem to be too happy with me… Well us, so last night…? I was just wondering…"**_

_**My frown softened into a look of concern while I listened to him struggle to ask his question. I moved closer to him as he spoke without him noticing and he actually jumped when I placed my hand over one of his to hold it gently. Thankfully that gesture had the desired effect because he finally raised his worried eyes up to meet my gaze.**_

"_**You must be talking about that time that I got all hysterical and I threw a pie at you," I replied with a soft laugh in my voice. Dean gave me a tight smile that was so sad that I dropped all of the humor from my tone of voice that I had intended to use to help to ease us out of this awkward situation. I had come up with a few witty retorts but I quickly forgot them all when I thought that I had figured out what Dean had actually been trying to ask me. "Oh God! Dean… Are you…? Are you trying to ask me if I regret what we did last night? And what we did this morning? Are you worried that I didn't really want to…? To have sex with you?"**_

_**He nodded slowly and shallowly then said, "Yeah I guess that I am. I mean from what I remember you were so pissed off at me when you left our room…"**_

"_**You're not wrong," I hesitantly stated when he trailed off into silence. "I was angry enough to punch you and your brother until you both bled for not telling me the truth about Bobby, but Dean... A lot can change after a year." He gave me a doubt-filled look so I tried my best to let all of my emotions show in my voice, face and eyes as I spoke. "When he told me that you had disappeared, I… Everything changed for me after hearing those words. I realized how petty I had been acting and I've basically spent every waking hour trying to figure out where you could have been sent or thrown or zapped or whatever so that I could try to find some way to get you back. Of course I never would have guessed that you would have been sent to Purgatory after you killed Dick, so my research ended up being pretty much useless, but still I swear I tried my damnedest to get you home."**_

_**Dean chuckled uneasily with me and I just stopped myself short of sighing loudly with relief at his reaction. He kept his eyes cast down to our hands on the bedspread so I squeezed his hand encouragingly then quietly said, "And I didn't feel pressured into doing anything with you last night. I kissed you because I wanted to kiss you. I really did miss you Dean and I… I love you and I wanted to show you that… Nothing… I mean… Everything we did last night was what I wanted to do and no one made me do anything I wasn't willing to do."**_

_**His head shot up so he could look at me and miraculously I felt his muscles actually start to relax as he spoke. "Really? You mean that?"**_

_**Taking my chances, I leaned in to place a soft kiss on his lips in an attempt to reaffirm my declaration. When Dean didn't flinch or try to move away from me in any way, I placed my other hand over his then gripped both of his hands tightly. "Dean I do love you and I always will. No matter how angry I might get with you, I've realized that that hatred is just a fleeting and passing emotion. For better or for worse, we are family and we will forever be connected because of Toby. And… And… Every time your stupid ass up and vanishes from Earth, it hurts Winchester, it's fucking brutal and it reminds me that I can't ignore our celestial connection, no matter how stubborn I want to be."**_

_**Somehow I managed not to cry during my explanation, but I nearly started to when I saw tears welling up in Dean's eyes. "You mean that?" He questioned still sounding like he didn't trust what he was hearing. I only nodded in response because I didn't trust how my voice would sound right now, especially since I was barely able to keep my tears at bay. Dean let out a long loud sigh before he said, "Fuck you don't know what a relief it is to hear that from you. I had this vision in my head of you waking up and realizing what we'd done and you flying off the handle at me and just…"**_

_**I blushed and dipped my head to try to hide that from Dean's eyes as I bashfully replied, "Yeah I guess I have been prone to doing that to you and I'm sure that I don't deserve…"**_

_**Dean quickly tilted my head up and silenced my self-deprecating apology with a kiss. "I wasn't fishing for an apology Lay… I just wanted to be honest with you after your heartfelt confession to me."**_

_**We sat on the bed's edge staring at each other until Dean broke our trance by brushing a lock of hair off my cheek and tucking it behind my ear. "So…? We're good?" He asked just over a whisper.**_

"_**Yeah… We're good," I answered as I relaxed against his hold.**_

_**His arm then slipped down around my shoulders with a knowing and comfortable ease. I took his nonverbal prompt and slipped my legs over his thighs so that I would now be sitting in his lap. I wrapped my arms around his waist and then tucked my head in against his neck as I sighed out a breath of relief. Dean let his hands slide down from my shoulders to stroke the length of my arm while he tucked my body even closer to his own.**_

_**Dean turned his face to kiss a spot on the top of my head and then said against my hair, "I missed you too."**_

_**Those four words finally broke my calm resolve and my next exhale of breath stuttered out between my lips until it became a loud sob. Dean tried to push himself out of our embrace but my arms just locked themselves around his torso to force him to remain close to me. When I took in a deep breath to try to calm myself I was so overwhelmed by every scent that I had ever associated with Dean Winchester because of his close proximity that that breath almost immediately turned into another gut-wrenching sob.**_

_**I felt Dean stiffen in my arms the instant my sob escaped my lips, but I couldn't stop myself from shoving my face into his flesh while I continued to cry, although it was much more quietly now. My arms pressed around his torso to keep Dean in a vice-like grip while I continued to cry silently. I wanted nothing more than to reassure Dean right now, but all I could hear in my head was a constant loop telling me that I had thought that he was dead, but he was really alive. Dean freaking Winchester was alive and breathing in my arms and yet all I could do was sob right now. I didn't even seem to care that he might notice my near hysteria because I was honestly too fucking relieved to feel him breathing, to hear his heart beating, to feel the warmth radiating off his body in my arms to care about trying to be suave. Dean could think I was uncool or lame because he missed me too, so I wasn't the only one who still cared in this relationship.**_

_**Once my silent sobs started to sub-side from shaking breaths into a more even and measured in and out intake of air into my lungs I finally heard Dean's umpteenth question of "Lay?" against my hair.**_

_**I allowed myself one more shudder against Dean's chest before I forced myself to gain some measure of self-control and then when I finally felt like I could try to speak again. As soon as I thought that I was breathing relatively normally I made my first attempts to try to explain my most recent break down to him. "I… I didn't expect you to… Especially not… Especially not after what a bitch I was to you the last time… Last time…"**_

_**Dean ran his fingers through my hair as he whispered against my head, "Of course it's unexpected… How else can I hope to keep you on your toes?"**_

_**Even though I wanted nothing more than to further indulge in my feelings of self-loathing, I instead thumped Dean in the ribs while quietly whining, "Don't."**_

"_**Don't what Lay?" He questioned against my hair while feigning ignorance to my plea.**_

"_**Dean, don't," I asserted in a firmer voice against his neck. "Don't try to joke your way out of this right now… Please?"**_

_**I felt him take in a slow, deep breath before he sighed it out slowly once again. I was sure that our 'honest hour' had passed the moment that I had been reduced to choking tears, but Dean surprised me yet again when he said lowly against my temple, "I'm sorry we didn't tell you about Bobby."**_

_**I stared at Dean in stunned disbelief while my hands fell to his sides. The soft smile Dean had been sporting during his apology slowly slipped away until his mouth was turned down into a dejected frown. He remained perfectly still on the bed and almost looked like he was wanting to disappear from the spot where he now sat. I swallowed thickly when I realized my faux pas and raised my right hand to pet his right cheek softly.**_

_**Dean's eyebrows turned down even further as his frown somehow deepened while I continued to stroke his face almost lovingly and said, "Well wonders never do cease. Thanks for that Dean."**_

_**A reluctant smile spread across Dean's face as he replied, "Yeah… Well maybe I'm finally learning everything I should have known by now."**_

_**I wrapped my arms around his torso once again and rested my cheek again his chest as I continued to hug him tightly. I had nearly come back with my own sarcastic comment, but I suddenly didn't want to continue with any or our verbal sparring anymore. My tears had been the truest expression of my emotions that I had allowed anyone to witness in a very long while so I didn't really want to do anything to diminish their impact for either of us. My hands travelled up to his up his back and then they started to knead the tense muscles of his upper back and shoulders the best that I could from the angle while I kept my cheek pressed to his chest.**_

_**Since I wasn't trying to speak, Dean decided to attempt to reestablish our discourse by asking, "So…? How are Toby and Sam doing?"**_

_**I couldn't help but chuckle against his shirt before I pushed back so that I could see his face as I replied sounding overly amused, "Toby? Well he's turned out to actually be a stereotypical teenaged boy." I took a moment to take in Dean's reaction to my words and couldn't help but bark out another quick laugh. "I know! I thought that we were going to luck out and be able to skip the stubborn, know-it-all stage, but alas it appears that Toby seems to have finally succumbed to his biology."**_

"_**Lay? What…? What does that mean?" Dean asked as his grip on my forearms became almost uncomfortably tight.**_

_**I could see the genuine fear in Dean's eyes so I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have some new bruises on my arms and refrained from commenting on his vice like grip as I replied, "It's nothing serious Dean. He's still doing well in school, he's still being scouted and is well on his way to getting drafted his senior year, but…" I let out a heavy sigh and shook my head before I continued, "But lately he's taken to picking fights with Maureen whenever he's feeling overwhelmed or overly stressed about any subject. Maureen of course is just taking it all in stride… Hell she has me as a shining example of how a teenager would behave… So I guess right now Toby's behavior seems tamer than the 'norm' she witnessed during my past."**_

"_**Lay…" Dean started sympathetically as he ran his thumbs up and down the exposed flesh of my arms.**_

"_**No, seriously it's fine Dean. He comes to his senses a hell of a lot faster than I ever did so they've worked everything out quickly whenever a fight happens," I interrupted with a faint, proud smile. "He's still a wiz at research, so I've enlisted him to fill any of his non-existent free time with research to help me out to… Uhh… Find you."**_

"_**Non-existent?" Dean asked with a thoroughly confused look on his face.**_

_**I smiled then slipped off of his lap so we could continue our conversation without me being in such an intimate position. "Well there's school and homework because he can't stay on the varsity team if he doesn't keep his grade point average up. Then there's baseball practice and games plus him working on his timing in the batting cages Bill's set up at his home or at my place and… Well now that he's older he's decided to try to have a social life too, so that leave very little time for researching, but he somehow fits it in for me."**_

_**I had moved closer to the head of the bed so that I could sit facing him comfortably while sitting cross legged on the mattress. Dean move to the foot of the bed and sat with his back resting on the footboard with his legs bent in front of him just enough so that his feet wouldn't be resting in my lap. He had a considering look on his face as he placed his folded hands into his lap. I kept my own hands in my lap and tried to keep my face as open as possible while also trying to look somewhat neutral.**_

"_**Social life? You…? You don't mean…?"**_

_**Even though I tried my damnedest not to, I chuckled a little too loudly to be considered anywhere near polite. I reached over and squeezed his shin because it was the only part of his body that was within easy reach as I sympathetically replied, "Yeah Dean actually I do. I mean he IS going to be sixteen later this year, so is it really that hard to believe that he…? As a varsity baseball player with a Letterman's jacket and Winchester DNA coursing through his veins that he wouldn't have girls chasing after him?"**_

"_**No," Dean conceded with an embarrassed laugh. "No not when you put it that way but still… He… He was twelve just yesterday, what the hell happened?"**_

_**I grinned and scooted forward so I could hold both of his hands that were still firmly placed in his lap. "The inevitable… He went and grew up on us when we weren't looking. I'm pretty sure this is how most parents feel about their kids. One day they're your little baby and the next they're practically self-sufficient adults. It's the natural order… Or so I'm told."**_

_**Dean opened his legs so that I could sit closer to him as he replied, "Yeah… Ain't that the truth?" He bent his knees even further so that I could stretch my legs out beside his hips. "So Toby's dating now, huh? Anything…? Uhh… Anyone serious?"**_

"_**No, not really… There was one girl that he was pretty sweet on, but…" I shifted uncomfortably in my place before I tried to finish. "But they had a… Uhh… Disagreement, so Toby's pretty sure that that relationship has come to an abrupt end."**_

"_**Really? Umm… Dare I ask what type of 'disagreement'?"**_

_**I sighed then answered, "Our kind of disagreement. He thought that she was being haunted by a ghost or cursed object and when he started to interrogate her about it she took it badly and called him crazy… Just like you and I have had happen a hundred times."**_

"_**Oh shit… Man… That… Was that something that he was prepared for at least?"**_

"_**Are we ever really ready for it when we think we have someone's full trust?" Dean shook his head and then we shared a sad smile of understanding because that metaphorical slap on the face, although sometimes it was a literal slap across the cheek or worse, always caught you off guard and only someone who had experienced it could understand the scars it left behind. "But he and I were able to talk about it and that seemed to have helped him a lot. He still really likes Heather, but they couldn't reconcile so he's kind of taken to playing the field instead, or so I've been trying to encourage him to do."**_

"_**Heather?" Dean asked with a tone of recognition. "That isn't the girl we teased him about liking at the Barbeque, is it?"**_

"_**You…? You remember that?"**_

"_**Lay I went to Purgatory, I didn't go brain dead," he teased as he squeezed his knees against my sides. "Of course I remember celebrating finding our son alive and killing his captors."**_

"_**I know, but… Yeah, you're right and… Well anyway that's Toby in a nutshell since you last saw him. I'm sure he's probably going a little stir crazy right now since his brief conversation with you, so we should really try to remember to call him later because leaving him in suspense would be cruel."**_

"_**Right… Yeah… Of course," Dean agreed distractedly. "Yeah we'll definitely have to do that… But later, okay. First… Before we do that can you tell me how Sam's doing?"**_

"_**Okay I guess," I answered non-committedly while turning my face so he couldn't see the look of shame in my eyes.**_

_**I tried to move back towards the head of the bead but Dean quickly crossed his ankles behind my back to keep me between the Vee of his legs. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously and grabbed my cheek with a surprisingly gentle touch to tilt my head up as he asked with an angry growl growing in his tone, "What do you mean by 'I guess'? What going on with Sam, Lay?"**_

"_**It means…." I replied hesitantly as I slowly extracted myself from all of his limbs. Once I was free and out of striking distance (not that I truly believed that Dean would actually try to hurt me right now just for explaining everything he had missed) I more confidently said, "It means that he called me almost a year ago to tell me that you and Cas had disappeared without a trace and then POOF he vanished too."**_

"_**Van…? You…? You don't think…?"**_

_**I leaned forward to hold his hands once again as I tried to reassure him, "No I didn't mean anything like that, I just… It seems like he got wrapped up in hunting or something… He's come up with a whole slew of new aliases so it's been pretty difficult for me to track him down on my own."**_

"_**But you don't think that that means that he's dead?" Dean asked, angry sarcasm dripping off each and every word.**_

"_**In all honesty I was starting to think that my instincts were wrong and that the worst had happened because no one has actually seen him. A few people have mentioned maybe seeing the Impala, but there's been no actual word on Sam himself." By this point I was up and pacing beside the bed as I spoke. "And for a while I chased the sighting of the Impala but all that that turned up were a couple of places that parts had been picked up for the car, but only one of the guys doing the pickups actually fit Sam's description, so I decided to put finding him on the back burner." I paused long enough to catch the indignant look on Dean's face. After letting out a sad sigh, I forced myself to stand still and face Dean straight on. "Look… In my defense I never changed any of my numbers and Toby's been at home this whole time, so he could have called him too… So he could have gotten a hold of either of us at any time that he wanted to… But… Well since he didn't call and he's never actually shown up here, I just figured that that was his way of telling me that he wanted some time to himself… You know to do his own thing."**_

_**Dean was shaking his head and it looked like his jaw clenched a little more with every word that I spoke. When he finally did speak it didn't actually sound like the words were directed at me. "You don't abandon family."**_

_**I sat down beside Dean again and took one of his hands in both of mine. His eyes seemed to finally focus when they met min, so I kept my voice soft and caring as I said, "That's precisely why I made sure to keep Toby on the case and… And he found him Dean… Toby actually managed to find Sam for us."**_

"_**He found Sam?" Dean asked almost as if he hadn't understood the words I had just said.**_

"_**Yes Dean he did," I reaffirmed as I tugged on his feet. "So why don't we call him and get all of the details I didn't last night?"**_

_***************A FEW DAYS LATER*********************_

"_**Yes? Can I help you?" The curly haired brunette that answered the door asked sounding aggressively suspicious.**_

**A woman? What the hell Toby!? Why didn't you prepare me for this? Or… Shit… SHIT!**_** I figured that I must have knocked on the wrong door and was about to apologize for bothering her unduly when I heard a familiar voice from deep in the house call out,, "Riot! Come on buddy! Let's go for a walk!"**_

**SAM!**_** I exclaimed in my head. I'm not sure what expression I was wearing at that moment in time but it caused the woman at the door's face to turn from somewhat to completely unfriendly. "Was there something that you wanted?" She asked sounding somewhat angry.**_

_**Her words hit me like a slap in the face and I actually shook my head to shake off any residual uncertainty before I answered, "Yes… Sorry… Sorry! I was looking to speak with Sam… Uhh… If that's okay and if I'm not interrupting anything important and all…"**_

_**She gave me another thorough once over while she contemplated her answer. I started to feel like I might start to squirm under her scrutiny or confess something embarrassing and then she suddenly nodded and said, "Sure. Wait here and I'll go get him for you."**_

_**Since he had motioned for me to come inside, I stepped through the door just far enough to allow her to close the door without any obstructions. Even though I hadn't made a move to step away from the threshold, the woman turned to look over her shoulder and instructed me unnecessarily in a harsh tone, "Wait here."**_

_**Although my feet felt like they were cemented in their place, I still nodded and replied just over a scared whisper, "Yeah, sure."**_

_**While I was left alone I took a moment to take in my surroundings. This was definitely someone's home. It wasn't just a house; it was a full-on lived-in home. And whomever lived here seemed to be at ease and happy in this space. At least that's what the looks on all of the faces of the people in the pictures portrayed. Damn! There was even one of a smiling Sam hugging a dog I had never seen before. Shit! Sam's happy here, he's made a home here, what the hell was I doing here?**_

_**I didn't want to ruin what Sam had going on here for him and turned to leave before he could see me but before I could get a hand on the door knob I felt something collide, full force into the back of my legs. My knees easily buckled and I easily fell down hard onto the mat by the front door under our combined weight. Somehow I managed to struggle enough to turn over to see my 'attacker' but before I could put up a proper fight or protest that I had a dog's tongue licking the length of my face and how it was enthusiastically bath my head with kisses while I feebly fought the dog off I heard its 'owner' verbally admonishing it.**_

_**I tried my best to block the dog's kisses but he was too big and my arms remained somewhat pinned to the floor below him (and believe me I could tell it was a HIM). I was just about to scream for help when the furry being above me disappeared completely. I opened my eyes reluctantly to find Sam dragging a multi-colored, long haired mid-sized dog by the collar away from my flailing form. He kept his voice too low for me to hear any of it, but the dog seemed to get the point because he ran from the room with his tail tucked firmly between his legs during his retreat.**_

_**Sam watched the pooch disappear into the house before he turned his attention back to me. For some reason I remained on the floor during that exchange so Sam rushed over to my side and offered me his hand to help me sit or stand up. Although I really didn't need the assistance, I still took his hand to let him pull me up to my feet.**_

"_**Sorry about him," Sam apologized softly as he brushed some stray dirt or dog hair from my back and legs. "We're still working with him at obedience school to kick him of that habit."**_

"_**It's fine," I whispered back while I tried my best to stop his hands from touching my body. "Really Sam I'm fine. I've just never really been much of a dog person… Especially given what happened to my Muh… Uhh… You know and all."**_

_**Sam looked mildly horrified for a second then he took a moment to actually 'see' the awkward smile on my face that told him that I had been trying to make a joke. He then let one corner of his mouth quirk back into a smile before he basically breathed out the words, "Of course."**_

_**We both worked at straightening my clothing out and when our hands met at the hem of my bomber jacket Sam retracted his hands with lightning speed. He rubbed his hands on his thighs distractedly then said, "Well Addy you're… Uhh… You're looking well."**_

"_**What am I fucking doing here?" I asked myself as I watched my hands smooth down the front of my Poppy's jacket. I then turned away from Sam muttering under my breath, "So stupid… How could I have fooled myself…?"**_

_**Sam reached out and grabbed my shoulder as I tried to walk away. When I stopped in my place he pulled my shoulder almost roughly to force me to turn and look at him.**_

"_**Addy are you okay?" He asked as he gently touched my cheek.**_

_**I turned just my eyes to look at his face as I said, "Yeah I'm good and…" Before I continued I made sure to stand up straight against the front door and away from the Winchester's grasp. I then took in a deep breath and resolutely set my shoulders firmly then said, "I'm absolutely fine Sam and from what I can see you've made a happy little life for yourself here, so I shouldn't…. You know? So… Just forget it."**_

_**Without my permission my voice started to break at the end of my declaration so I turned my full body away from Sam to try to hide the fact that tears were trying to form in my eyes. This time Sam let me stay turned away but he still reached a hand out to touch my shoulder softly while quietly pleading, "Addy?"**_

_**I took a moment to take it all in so that I could decide how I wanted this to play out. Sam was here and alive which equaled everything good. Sam was here and alive and had a 'wife' and dog waiting for him? So what? HE dropped off the radar to become fucking Ward Cleaver, why did I have to respect that? He had called me to dump the task of finding Dean so that he could ride off into the sunset to live some Apple-pie, normal life? Well fuck that! I hadn't averaged a grand total of three hours a night of sleep in the last seventy two hour period so that Sam could have everything that had been ripped away from me anytime that I had attempted to live the 'normal' life.**_

_**So my anger eventually won out. Or near blind rage did as I smacked Sam's hand away and nearly shrieked, "No Sam! No…! You have all of this so just forget it! You have your life and I'll just continue on with my sad existence so just forget it."**_

_**Before Sam could fully recover I stomped towards the front door and pulled it open. I started out the door but paused to the pull a node out of my jacket's pocket. I quickly snatched it out almost angrily and balled the paper up to throw it at Sam as I left. It bounced off Sam's chest and he involuntarily put his hand to catch the balled up piece of paper. The white ball of paper landed in the palm of his hand almost as if he knew where it would land while his questioning eyes remained on my retreating form.**_

_**At the door I couldn't help myself before I turned to look at Sam over my shoulder with tears flowing freely down my cheeks. I hoarsely then announced, "He wanted you to have that, so my job here is done." Sam's eyebrows shot up in shot as his hands worded to untangle the piece of paper I had thrown at him. Once he had it opened he read it no less than three times before he finally turned a pleading eye to my face, I was still clinging tightly to my anger so I just scoffed and said, "Yeah he's alive and the first thing he asked about was you! I can see you no longer care, but I promised your brother that I would pass on his message… So I guess my job here is done. Good bye Sam… I hope you and the CHICK have a nice life together with the doggy."**_

_**My parting commentary was as petty and as cruel as I wanted them to be but as soon as I got to my car I regretted everything I had said. Who was I to judge Sam Winchester? When I was pregnant and had a chance to abandon this world to start a family with Dean and Toby at my side, wasn't I willing to forget it all to fulfill that desire? And then when that life had been stolen away from me by some selfish bitch who had decided to drink and drive, hadn't I turned my back on the angels and their quests here on Earth? So really wasn't the actual reason why I was upset with Sam was that because he had actually been able to succeed when I had failed to settle down out of the hunter's life, again? He had had it once and then Azazel had pulled him back in by killing his girlfriend exactly the same way he had killed Mary Winchester, so I was doing exactly the same thing to Sam right now…. Right?**_

**NO!**_** I told myself yet again while I stood beside my car watching Sam's house three days later. No I had promised Dean that I would pass on his message to his brother so I was just making sure that Sam had actually read the note and that he was going to follow through. Yeah no one could piss me off as much as Dean Winchester could, but I now understood that that was because I cared for him so much and couldn't stand when he showed me that he couldn't trust me. But he had trusted me with that and that minor detail done right made my heart swell.**_

_**Tonight I was nearly ready to give up for the night when I finally heard the engine of the Impala turnover. I quickly bumped my rear end against the front quarter panel of the front end of my GTO so that I was standing up right. Sam left the engine running as he loaded up the trunk of his brother's car before he quickly moved into the drivers' seat.**_

_**He looked like he was travelling alone with all of his personal belongings when he passed me to drive down the gravel road, so I stayed outside to see what the outcome would be. Sam might have been driving away but the best way to understand his choice was to see how his decision played out for the woman he may or may not have left behind.**_

****KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK******

"Sweetheart, if you don't finish up in there soon then we are going to be beyond fashionably late."

I jumped in my spot as I removed the last of the hot rollers from my hair because I hadn't realized that I had let my mind wander so much while I had been styling my hair. I had already completed the prefect Smokey eyed look to go with my blood red lips, so I quickly pulled my hair back into a low ponytail and tangled up some of my curls I a few different ways to make the low ponytail look more complicated than it try was to complete.

I took a moment to check my reflection and frowned when the intruder's plea registered in my brain. My hair and make-up were flawless so all I needed to do was shed my light weight silk dress coat in exchange for the dress that I would be wearing. Well I was sure that I hadn't put in this much effort into my look without being expected to wear a dress even if it wasn't truly my first choice for my attire.

Another insistent knock on the door sounded while I made sure that I had replaced each hot roller in its place after I had removed them from my hair. Normally I wouldn't have cared. But I had borrowed this set from Veronica Lamb so I wanted to be able to return them to her in the same state that I had received them.

Alright maybe that was just an excuse to linger in the bathroom while I savored my brief moment of peace alone. I wasn't a big fan of dressing up to this extent, but my 'companion' had been most persistent that I had to look my best so that I could help him impress everyone at the event. That directive left a really bad taste in my mouth and made me want to prolong the inevitable for as long as I could hold out. Of course that course of action wasn't going over well with the man on the other side of the door because his knocking had quickly turned into pounding against the door and now he was trying to for the door open by picking the lock.

Before he could do any permanent damage to the lock or the door handle, I swung the door open. He glared at me for a millisecond and then he grinned brightly as he took in my hair and make-up. I all but shoved the man before me so that I could get past him to walk over to my closet. He thankfully took the hint and remained in his spot by the bathroom door as he watched me in silence.

"Sorry… My hair too longer than I expected it to," I half-heartedly apologized as I started searching through my closet for something appropriate to wear.

"It's fine… Especially now that I've seen your masterpiece…. It was definitely worth the wait," he replied as he sat down on my bed. I left my lip quirk back into a snarl but held my tongue while I heard him say, "Oh and I found something for you to wear already that I think will be quite suitable for this occasion… Oh and I placed it on the bed for you so that it won't wrinkle."

I turned around and cringed slightly when I saw him holding the knee length, wine red, crush velvet halter dress that I had bought when I was suffering from amnesia. It still amazed me to this day that I had felt so compelled to buy that dress despite not being able to remember why that article of clothing had been so important to me to acquire.

His grin finally faded when a giggle bubbled up through my chest and it soon became a full bellied laugh. While I was laughing I considered trying to explain what I had found so funny, but I quickly realized that I was probably the only person who would get the joke. I mean the King of Hell choosing the same dress as an Arc Angel had decided was perfect for me to wear WAS pretty funny, right? Okay maybe not, but laughing sure did beat out crying my eyes out right now.


End file.
